


On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

by Graziana



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: 00Q - Freeform, Cupboard Sex, Dialogue-Only, Locked In, M/M, Snarly Q, Squirty Cream, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-06 05:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1846468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graziana/pseuds/Graziana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moneypenny locks Q and 007 in a closet until they kill each other or screw each other's brains out. </p>
<p>M gives her bonus points for irony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

"What do you mean _it's locked_? It's a bloody cupboard door and you're the Quartermaster. How can you be bested by a door?"

 

"Thank you very much for that fresh insight 007. I am completely reassured now that you've confirmed that it is, in fact, a door and I am, in fact, the Quartermaster. Now let me get at the lock...Ow! Move. No. To your left. Now.... Right, pass me the integrated FTD."

 

"The integrated FDT?"

 

"Oh, for Godsake!  The metal pokey thing on the shelf to your left."

 

"..."

 

"Any time today, Bond."

  
  
"Patience Q. All good things come to those who wait."

 

" _'Those who wait'_ aren't usually kept waiting for who knows how long to be passed a _goddamned FDT_!"

 

"...We're stuck in here together indefinitely. You could at least try to be nice."

  
  
"I'll try being nicer if you promise to _try_ to be smarter, deal? Good. The FDT, Bond. Now."

  
  
"Bossy... it just feels like a screwdriver to me"

  
  
"Feels like a screwdriver- honestly, no finesse in you field agents. Just point and shoot. It's a wonder any of you are still alive. Ouch. Bond! Don't poke me with the integrated FDT!"

  
  
"The screwdriver, Q. It's a screwdriver."

  
  
"Harrumph"

 

"..."

  
  
"Huh. It's not budging. I don't know what Moneypenny's done to this lock, and considering I designed it I'm not sure that I want to know."

  
  
"Move out the way. Here, hold this."

  
  
"Wait, what? Why? What are you doing?"

  
  
"Putting my back into it,'"

  
  
"I really wouldn't do that. the door, it's made out of titanium, reinforced with-"

  
  
"Ooof." Thump-Click. "..."

  
  
"How's your shoulder feeling?"

  
"Dislocated."

  
  
"I tried to tell you."

  
  
"What? That the door is reinforced with bloody Adamantium?!"

  
  
"Ooo, pop culture reference, how very _telling_ , Bond. But no, it's just a hyper lightweight concrete I've been working on. Now get out of the bloody way and give me the FDT back."

  
  
"..."

  
"Bond. The FDT."

  
"..."

  
"Bond!"

  
"It may have snapped when I jolted the door."

  
"That. Was a prototype."

  
"Well evidently it needs modifying."

 

"Yes, modifying. Not destroying. Bloody Double-Ohs and their destructive habits."

 

"Do _try_ to be more a bit positive about our destructive habits; Q-branch wouldn't be what it is today without our helpful demonstrations of the weaknesses in some of your equipment."

 

"Really, I just-...I don't know what your problem is, Bond. But I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."

  
"Probably. If you were really curious I'm sure you could take it up with Psych.... Why the hell would you use hyper weight concrete on a stationary cupboard door anyway?"

  
"..."

  
"Q?"

  
"It's... important stationary?"

  
"...Really?"

 

"There are some important prototypes in here that we really can't risk falling into the wrong hands?"

  
"..."

  
"Fine. It doubles as a nuclear bunker."

  
"Wait, really?"

  
"Yes 007."

  
"And M calls me paranoid."

  
"It's not paranoia, it's forward planning."

  
"Forward planning. Right. So you've got supplies in here then?"

  
"Of course I bloody have- what kind of moronic double-oh agent do you take me for?"

  
"..."

  
"Oh no. No, _no_. Those are supplies for an actual emergency. You can't just- Bond? Bond? Bond! _Stay out of my apocalypse food."_

  
"I'm just looking, I'm not eating anything, don't worry."

  
"I can't say that I'm massively keen on being trapped in a dark, confined space for a prolonged period of time. But, should a nuclear, or zombie, apocalypse occur and I have to resort to eating my bloody stationary whilst I am trapped in said confined space because some _hungry double-oh agent has wiped my supplies clean_ I will know _exactly_ whom to chase down when the dust settles, and rest assured vengeance will be mine."

  
"You are going to fend off starvation during a Zombie apocalypse with...Kinder Eggs?"

  
"Would it have been impossible to stay out of my supplies?!"

  
"But _Kinder eggs_ Q?"

  
"You are validating my inherent distrust of double-oh agents."

  
"Are these Skittles?"

  
" _Skittles,_ Bond, whilst not, I know, of high nutritional value, are certainly excellent for providing a short sharp kick of energy, potentially very useful in the event of a-"

  
"Is this squirty cream, Q?"

  
"A portable and compact source of calcium, with a shelf life that is considerably longer than say, oh, a bottle of milk."

  
"..." Whisshhhhhhh

  
Thump. "No. Bond. That is _my_ can of squirty cream. Mine goddamnit." Whishhhhh "Bond! Oh god. How have you managed to get it- eww- it's in my hair. It's in my _ear_."

  
"Here. Let me."

  
"007. If you could kindly remove your arm from my waist and your tongue from -oh- from my ear I would be, we'll not eternally grateful, but I shall -aha- certainly endeavour to ensure that you are equipped with something a little more useful than a wooden spoon when we send you to -Ooo - Turkmenistan next week."

  
"Mmmm. Sorry did you say something?"

  
"I ahh-am your superior. This is gross misconduct- Just what do you think you're doing?"

  
"Sorry. Where you complaining? Here I'll give you a bit more room."

  
"I...Just. You. oh. Get back here. You."

  
Thump "Mmmf...Watch the shoulder, watch the shoulder."

  
"Urg. You watch the shoulder." 

 

"That was a pitiful excuse of a comeback."

 

"Shut up. -Oh. There. Just- There. Uhngg!"

 

"God, you're noisy."

  
"And, for once in your life, _you_ are too much talk and not enough action." 

  
"Eager?"

 

"Mmm. Silence, now."

 

"Dinner. Ung. Have dinner with me. When we get out of here."

 

"Don't push your luck."

 

"Can't push what you don't have."

 

"God. You Smarmy bastard- ah, ahhh."

  
"So. Oh- Dinner, then?"

 

"Fine. First though. Condoms. Behind the tin of custard. Oh-Oooh!."

  
"Really Q? I'm not sure which I'm more worried by being in your apocalypse stash- mmmmfff"

  
"Mm... Wouldn't do to be unprepared come the apocalypse. I'm sure you'll agre- Yes! Just. There."

  
"No- ahh - it wouldn't do at all.."

 

* * *

  
"R, Have you got the budget report for Finance on the- Moneypenny?!"

  
"M! Umm...I-"

 

"What are you doing in Q Branch? Why are you hovering near that stationary cupboard?...Actually, never mind that; Where's Q?"

  
"Urm..."

  
"And I'm sure I sent Bond down here to return whatever pieces of gear he managed to bring back from Guatemala." Thump. "Moneypenny? What _is_ that?"

  
"It's just-"

  
"Did you lock someone in the stationary closet?" Thump. Bang. Smash. "More than one person?"

  
"Q and Bond were flirting again, and somebody needed to do something!"

  
"You locked the Quartermaster and 007 in a cupboard? Together?"

  
"We were getting bored with their pussy-footing around each other. This way they'll either kill each other or screw each other's brains out. Either way; problem solved."

 

" _We?_ The whole of Q-Branch you mean?"

 

"No. I mean _'we'_ the whole of MI6. Don't pretend it hasn't been driving you crazy too"

  
"..."

 

"..."

  
"I'll leave you to oversee, Moneypenny. Make sure the rest of Q branch actually do some work whilst Q is" smash. bang. thump. "....indisposed."


End file.
